A safe first meeting: what to do before and during

Meeting someone you got to know online for the first time brings curiosity, excitement and a touch of anxiety. That's normal. A few common-sense rules take nothing away from the magic: they let you enjoy the date with a clear head, knowing you always have a way out.

Before you meet

There's no right number of messages, but it's best to meet once the conversation has given you a clear idea of the person. A short video call is an excellent check: it confirms that the person matches their photos and lets you hear their voice and manner. Before setting a date, ask yourself:

• Do the photos and the video call match?
• Have their answers been consistent, even in the details?
• In chat, did they respect your pace and your noes?
• Do you both know what you'll do, where and for how long?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, it's better to wait. Until you know each other better, keep your home address, workplace and surname to yourself. A short, simple meeting, such as a coffee, a drink or a walk, puts everyone at ease and leaves the door open to a second date.

A busy public place

The first time, choose a busy public place: a bar, a café, a central square, at a time when there are people around. Ideally a place you know, where you feel comfortable and know how to get there and how to leave.

Avoid your home or theirs, the car, a hotel room and isolated places. It's not distrust of that particular person: it's a rule for all first meetings, and people with good intentions know it and respect it.

Tell a friend

Before you go out, let someone you trust know. A few steps are enough:

1. Tell them where you're going, with whom and at what time: nickname, profile photo, venue address.
2. Agree on a message at a set time to confirm that everything's fine.
3. Choose a code word meaning “call me” or “come and get me”.
4. If you like, share your live location for the duration of the meeting.
5. When you're home, send a message to say everything's fine.

If the person you're meeting knows someone is expecting to hear from you, all the better: it's a deterrent for anyone with bad intentions and a sign of seriousness for everyone else.

Your own transport, a charged phone and alcohol in moderation

Arrive and leave under your own steam: car, public transport or taxi. That way you don't depend on anyone and can leave whenever you want. On a first meeting, don't accept lifts, not even for a short distance. Keep your phone charged and some money for a taxi.

If you drink, do so in moderation: alcohol lowers your ability to pick up on warning signs. Don't leave your glass unattended and don't accept drinks you didn't see being made. If you suddenly feel dizzy or confused, out of proportion to how much you've drunk, ask the venue staff for help immediately.

No pressure: you can leave whenever you want

A first meeting creates no obligations. You can leave after ten minutes, change your mind about an agreed plan or say no to a suggestion, without having to explain. That goes for you and for the other person.

Notice how the person in front of you reacts when you set a limit. Some signs tell you it's better to end the meeting:

• they insist after a no or make you feel guilty;
• they get angry, sulk or raise their voice;
• they rush you to move somewhere else, to their home or the car;
• they try to get you to drink more than you want;
• they don't look like their photos or tell a different story from the one in chat;
• they keep asking where you live or who you live with.

You don't need to be rude to leave: a simple “it's getting late for me, thanks” is more than enough.

In an emergency, call 112. In Italy, for violence, harassment or stalking there is also 1522, the free anti-violence and anti-stalking helpline, available day and night.

If the interest is BDSM, get to know each other first

When a meeting stems from an interest in BDSM, the first-date rules matter even more. The first meeting is for getting to know each other as people, not as roles: a coffee in a public place, to see whether there's trust and whether you understand each other.

If munches, the informal meet-ups of enthusiasts in a public venue, are organised in your area, they can be an excellent starting point: other people around and no expectation of play. Meeting there the first time takes the pressure off both of you.

Everything else is agreed beforehand, in words and calmly: desires, hard and soft limits, safeword, health conditions, aftercare. Anyone who demands obedience from the very first message, refuses to talk about limits or considers the safeword a pointless formality is already telling you a lot.

After the meeting

Once you're home, take a moment to work out how you felt. If you want to see the other person again, tell them. If not, say so kindly and clearly, without vanishing into thin air: it's a form of respect.

If something went wrong, if you were pressured or treated badly, don't keep it to yourself. Talk to someone you trust, report the profile and, if a crime was committed, go to the police.

On Corda Rossa you can get to know people at your own pace in the site's chat, before swapping numbers or arranging a date, and choose who you share contacts and albums with. If a meeting doesn't stick to what was agreed, report the profile: it's the best way to protect other members too.