BDSM for beginners: how to start safely

Maybe you've been thinking about it for a long time, maybe a fantasy has only recently caught your curiosity. Either way, you're in good company: the desire to play with power, roles and sensations is far more common than people think. To start, you don't need expensive gear or years of experience: you need curiosity, communication and a bit of method. This BDSM guide for beginners will walk you through your first steps.

What BDSM means

BDSM is an acronym that brings together three pairs of words: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. Very different practices sit under this umbrella. Some are physical, like tying someone up or being tied up. Others are mainly mental, like giving and receiving orders or playing a role for an evening.

What they have in common is consent. Whoever gives up control does so by choice, within boundaries agreed together and with the option of stopping everything at any moment. This is what sets BDSM apart from violence: the same actions, without a clear agreement, are not a game.

There's no right way to live it. Some see it as one ingredient of their relationship, some as an occasional experience, some as an important part of who they are. And you don't have to love everything: most people discover they're drawn to a few specific things.

The roles: dominant, submissive and switch

To find your way around, it helps to know the most common roles. They're not labels to pick once and for all, but reference points to help you understand what attracts you.

• Dominant: the person who leads the play, makes the decisions and takes responsibility for the other person's wellbeing during the scene.
• Submissive: the person who chooses to give up control, within agreed limits, and finds pleasure in surrendering.
• Switch: someone who identifies with both roles and alternates between them depending on the person, the moment or their mood.

You'll also hear about tops and bottoms, meaning the person who performs an action and the person who receives it. They don't always match dominant and submissive: a submissive, for example, may be ordered to tie up their partner. And the role only applies within the play. Outside the scene you're two equal adults, with the same rights and the same respect.

Get informed before trying

The first step is to read, listen and ask questions. There are books, guides, courses and workshops run by experienced people, and groups of enthusiasts happy to share their experience. Every practice has its own safety rules: knowing them in advance saves you nasty surprises.

Take films, novels and adult videos with a pinch of salt. They're made to entertain, not to teach, and they almost never show the least spectacular but most important part: the conversation before, the check-ins during, the care afterwards. Anyone who imitates them without that part risks getting hurt or hurting someone.

Talking about fantasies and limits

Every experience starts with a conversation. Have it with a clear head, away from intimate moments, when you can both say no without feeling guilty. It may not seem very romantic, but that's where trust is born.

A simple tool is the “yes, no, maybe” list. Each of you, separately, sorts practices into three groups: those you'd like to try, those to rule out and those you're unsure about. Then compare your lists and start from what appears among both your yeses. In the conversation, clarify at least these points:

• hard limits, meaning what you won't do under any circumstances;
• soft limits, meaning what you might try slowly and under certain conditions;
• the safeword, the word that stops everything instantly;
• any health problems that might affect the play;
• what you'll need afterwards to calm down again.

Be honest about how much experience you have. Saying “it's my first time” isn't a weakness: it's valuable information for the person playing with you.

Start slowly

Your first experiences should be short, light and simple. One new thing at a time: a blindfold, wrists held still by hand, a role play with few rules. That way you have time to understand how you react and to stop without difficulty.

Choose a calm, clear-headed moment. Alcohol and drugs reduce your ability to assess risks and to notice that something's wrong: better to leave them out. If you have health problems, for example with your heart, circulation or joints, talk to your partner about it and, if in doubt, to a doctor.

After the scene, take time for aftercare: a hug, a glass of water, a blanket, a few words about how it went. The next day, talk again: what you enjoyed, what you'd change, what you'd like to try.

Munches: meeting the community in person

A munch is an informal meet-up of BDSM enthusiasts in a public place, usually a bar, a pub or a pizzeria. There's no play and no special clothing needed: people chat, ask questions and meet others with the same interests. For beginners it's one of the best ways into the scene.

You can go just to listen. A few unwritten rules apply: discretion about who you meet, nicknames or first names only, no pressure on those who prefer to stay in the background. And if someone you've just met insists on seeing you in private straight away, you've already learnt something useful about that person.

The most common mistakes

Some slip-ups are so common that it's worth knowing them in advance:

• Buying expensive gear straight away, before you know what you really like.
• Believing the dominant can decide everything: limits are agreed together and apply to both of you.
• Playing without a safeword, counting on understanding each other in the moment.
• Having a session on the first date with someone you've just met.
• Skipping aftercare or disappearing straight after the scene.
• Pushing your own limits to impress or to avoid disappointing.
• Trusting someone who presents themselves as an expert and demands obedience before they even know you.

When you feel ready to meet someone, on Corda Rossa you can post an ad in the category that represents you and say clearly that you're a beginner: serious people appreciate it. Take time to talk in the site's chat before meeting, and read the rules, which put consent, limits and safewords first.