Safeword

A safeword is a word chosen together before starting that, when spoken, immediately stops the scene. It’s the simplest and most important tool in BDSM: it makes it possible to play intense roles knowing that real control always stays with both people.

Why saying “no” isn’t enough

In many games, “no”, “stop” or protests are part of the fiction. So you need a word that has nothing to do with the context, to tell an acted protest from a real request beyond any doubt. Ideally it’s short and easy to say even when out of breath, like the name of a fruit or a city.

The traffic light system

Many people use the traffic light system:

• green: all good, carry on;
• amber: slow down, something needs adjusting or I’m getting close to a limit;
• red: stop immediately.

When the person can’t speak, for example with a gag, a non-verbal signal is agreed: dropping an object held in the hand, tapping the partner several times, a specific gesture. Try it out before starting.

The golden rules

• When the safeword is said, you stop, always, without asking for explanations and without pretending not to have heard.
• Using it isn’t a failure and must never be punished, not even in play.
• It applies to everyone: the dominant can use it too.
• After the stop comes aftercare: you look after the person who used it and, once things have calmed down, talk about what happened.