Negotiation

In BDSM, negotiation is the moment when you decide together what will happen during play. There’s nothing cold or bureaucratic about it: it’s a conversation, sometimes even fun and exciting, that puts everyone in a position to enjoy the scene without nasty surprises.

What to talk about

• Desires: what each person would like to try, what attracts them most.
• Limits: what is completely ruled out and what should be approached with caution.
• Safeword and non-verbal signals, if someone will have their mouth full or be tied up.
• Health: physical problems, allergies, medication, recent tests, any emotional vulnerabilities.
• Practicalities: where, for how long, whether there will be visible marks, protection.
• Aftercare: what each person will need afterwards.

When and how

Negotiation happens beforehand, with a clear head and without rushing, not in the heat of the moment. With someone new it’s best done in chat or at a first meeting in a public place, with no commitment to play. With a regular partner it can be shorter, but it should never be skipped when trying something new.

Why it works

Good negotiation builds trust: the person who submits knows their boundaries are known, the person who dominates knows what they can suggest. It’s often also the best way to find out whether there’s real compatibility. Anyone who refuses to talk about it or brushes your limits aside with irritation is already giving you important information.

What has been decided applies to that scene: you can always renegotiate, and an agreement doesn’t oblige anyone to continue if they change their mind.